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1. Oh fine. I guess this bra that’s being held onto my body by about three threads just won’t do any more. FINE.

2. Where does one go to get a bra these days? Roches Stores? That’s probably the last place I got measured.

3. How naked do I have to be to be fitted? Should I take off my t-shirt or just my jacket? Help me, baby Jesus.

4. The woman measuring me is called Jackie. Well Jackie. I hope this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

5. Oh god, Jackie is going to see my manky old bra, and she’s going to judge me. Don’t judge me Jackie!

6. Having a woman put a tape measure around your boobs should be more awkward, shouldn’t it? Why isn’t this awkward?

7. Oh, it’s because Jackie is a magician who knew my true size with just a glance and I love her very much.

8. I can’t believe I am a 36C. I have been wearing a 34A for 10 years. Surely I know my own size?

9. And now to stand around basically topless while she goes to fetch me a few bras in my new size. Cool. Great.

10. *pinches that weird little fold of fat at armpit* WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? WHAT ARE YOU?

11. I feel personally victimised by this mirror at my back. Why do I need to see what I look like from the back? I was doing just fine without.

12. Will it be weird that I haven’t put my t-shirt back on while I wait? What’s the protocol here?

13. Here comes Jackie now. Look lively. Pretend you weren’t just staring in horror at your own arse.

14. Did she take this one from the Granny section? What age does she think I am?

15. Oh. So this is what it feels like to wear a bra that actually fits you. I forgive you Jackie girl. You know your stuff.

16. Dear god, the back sweat. It’s not healthy.

17. Might as well get the matching knickers too. This will be the year I start wearing matching underwear all the time.

18. The fecking price of it. Why does it cost this much for a glorified boob cage? Why do I even need to wear a bra?

19. I love my new boob cage. I’m going to hand wash it every week and treat it with all the care it deserves.

20. *one month later* Feck it, it’s going in with the towels. Effort of hand washing, like.

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